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[17 Aug 2004|11:20pm] |
It's raining. I've come to the conclusion that I really dislike the weather. I prefer things that are set in stone. For instance, you pick up a pen and you set it to paper and that is that. The ink stays. It's permanent and all is said and done. If there's a 60% chance it's going to rain, there's still a 40% chance the sun is going to show it's face and to be honest I really can't stand it. Obviously I'm not going to scream at the television and throw a fit because I don't have God given abilities to predict the future, but this is just a dramatic example.
I wish I knew where we stood, why we do the things we do and why half of our conversations always end the same way. It bugs me and yet I expect nothing less from you. We'll talk about it later. We never do. We should just start signing off with 'Well, we'll say we'll talk about it later when we really won't because we're just so immature like that' because that's really what we're saying behind all the bold print. I'm not putting all of the blame on you because that would be selfish and ridiculous and totally predictable of me. But give me a break here, I know I'm not that childish that I completely ignore someone that's standing right in front of my face. I'm not your mother.
I took my dog for a walk today. Yes, I have a dog and she is beautiful. Don't ask me what kind of breed she is because I wouldn't be able to tell you. She's some kind of mix but she's pleasing to the eye and that's all that really mattered to me. I didn't want to get some ugly ass mutt that people cringe at when they first see the buttfaced creature. And then the conversation that follows sounds something like this: 'Where'd you find her? You paid for her? How much was she? Oh wow...' I wanted to name her something funny like Stupid or Bitch, but Sarah wouldn't let me. I wanted to be able to go 'come here, stupid' or 'eat your dinner, bitch'. It would have been awesome. I settled on Noelle since we got her right before Christmas. She's going to be a year old soon and I can't believe how big she's got. I take her for a walk at least once a day, she stands in the doorway of my office with her leash in her mouth, giving me those puppy eyes and she knows she's always going to win the stare down. She's so smart.
I was sick all last week. Monday I was hungover, Tuesday I had a throat infection, and Wednesday-Saturday I had a cold. It was like a Mighty Cold cause it lasted four whole days. Maybe five. Sunday was the first day I actually felt somewhat decent, and it turns out I had to work. On Sunday I had a migraine. I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I never get sick. I'm easily annoyed, I'm depressed by the little things, and I'm the first one to leave a party. I'm just not feeling well, not feeling up to entertaining and caring about things in general. Maybe I'm just going through something, maybe I have something on my mind deep down in my subconscious and I'm not aware of it yet and one night at 2 AM it's just going to click and I'm going to breathe a deep sigh of relief for figuring out why I've been such an asshole the past few weeks.
You know, the lot of you surprise me. I get no phone calls, no text messages, no nothing from most of you since the summer began. And the majority of you happen to be my closest friends. I know the phone works both ways, but come on don't give me that shit. If you are asking yourself if this is about you, it probably is. So do something about it.
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[11 Aug 2004|09:05pm] |
I had to work late that night. I was doing extensive research for a role I just had to audition for, and it required a British accent. Since I'm not from England, I spent the entire day with someone who was. He read the script over for me about a hundred times, but now I'm getting sidetracked. When I walked through the front door, she was gone.
Bags packed, the only thing she left behind was a note on the kitchen counter and the haunting smell of her designer perfume. I spent the next few days with the windows closed until the scent eventually faded away, soaking in every breath as if it were my last. A few days later, I was back on my feet and working again. We call each other every day, although I haven't really spoken to her in weeks. She calls me, I call her. We never answer but at least we know we're thinking of each other.
I haven't really been 'okay' since. That was about a month ago and in exactly three weeks, we'll be celebrating our two year anniversary. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but we'll figure something out. We always do.
Anyway, sorry for now showing up sooner. I was..washing my hair.
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